Only In My Dreams

       Ultimate Secret Crush.

       Let’s just call him “Jay”. We were classmates for seven years and expectedly parted our ways when we began our high school life. On the other side, I am his long-timed lover ever since. Just call me “KC”, the teen girl of the town.

        April. We went to our elementary school (of course it is our precious day, graduation!). I feel down and had a wound at my left foot. Obviously, I cannot walk. One of my closest classmates gave me a treatment for healing my wound. And I still made it having fun and bonding with them. Then I saw jay. I felt shy and irritated, we didn’t talk nor say Hi. Ouch! That was the last time I saw him. Obviously desperate. To be with him.

       A year passed. Still it is him. My two freshmen classmates invited me to go in our town plaza to watch a dance contest. Besides, when we got there we watched first the singing category while waiting for the dance contest to start. We were bored so Ara and Yen asked me to have some snack (cheeseburger and a chocolate drink. Lost in space, my mind is wandering far away. Expecting that my former classmates have to dance there. After eating, my eyes gazed like it has to explode. Over. I felt nervous because I saw him, and he saw me! Shocks. That made the night so unforgettable and memorable. I cannot get over with. Such a crazy.

       Creak a smile, the only thing I did secretly while remembering what happened. Seriously, I felt mixed emotions. Goosebumps. I want to shout and hide. Overwhelmed. You know those feelings? Absolutely!

Physically present but mentally absent while having a conversation with my best friends. Oh my gosh. What have I done? Wait. He is with someone. His girlfriend. Cool, then. Afterwards, while on my way going home, I still got the chance to see him. Weird but I’m happy.

If you are thinking of someone all day long at no reason at all, that person is probably thinking of you too in any sense. Fiction to reality? How I wish. Unexplainable. Why does it feel like he is so special to me? I really do not know. I don’t even have any reason at all. Can’t this be love already? No. I won’t let that happen. But it just happens that---??? Blank.

Months ago. I am on my junior year. Did I just drink a love potion or what? Guess what. Jay s still the one—my one. Very unbelievable to imagine. Maybe I am dreaming. “Grab the chance”—those were the words struck on my head every time I see him. I recall one day, I wrote a letter to him and it goes like this:

         JAY,

       Honestly, I’m thinking not only twice but a hundred times if I should give you a letter but since this is an opportunity I took it just to say what I feel for you. I will tell you every single detail you must know because it’s painful on my part already. It sucks me and it’s killing me. You are so unfair!

       I am not mad. I don’t have the guts to hate you but it’s just that the feeling is not s right. Did you dare to know that I have this indescribable feeling for you? I always wish you know it but I am afraid of rejection, terrified to what you might say. I had this thought that instead we become close, you will avoid me. I do not know if this is the right thing to do. My heart says to do so though.

       In fact, I cannot control this anymore. That’s why I chose to confess rather than to hide it. I have so many words to say to you but my mind doesn’t want to. Sorry if I let this emotion arise in me. Sorry if I blame you. Nevertheless, thank you so much. I learnt a lot from you. I mean it! I do believe that God planned to cross our paths for a cause. Whatever happens, you will always be part of my life. No erasures, swear. God gave me you that is why I am glad for loving you. You’re a gift.

       Just want t remind you I really need to forget everything about you seeing myself suffering in sorrow and in great misery. To tell you the truth Jay, I really hate it when I miss you. Nevertheless,  I wish you all the happiness. Always remember that I am always here, just here for you anytime. One text away. Goodbye my dear!

Loving,

KC

       Reminiscing our old days makes me emotional. From our holding hands moment, the way I stare on him for so long while we are having a conversation, the very first time I had the courage to talk to him and asked, where are you studying at (college)? How are you doing in your high school? Sharing you my dreams like I am going to study in UP Diliman. Riding a bike while chattering about love life. When I first searched his name on Facebook and what appeared says, No Search Found. The very first instant he greeted me with a HI! My willingness just to get his cellphone number and finally got it unaware. How he showed me his gentle and attractive smiles. Stealing glance of him and how sweet he is to me. How much I crave for his presence. Worst, the contentment and completeness I felt during those old days when I am with him.

       Some things may be nothing for us yet it could mean the world for others. Similarly, some things may be easy for us yet so painful for others. So true, I was affected by that quote. Things may be bumpy at times but optimistically those are the things that lead us to our realizations. Realizations that despite what we experienced, we find convenient ways to forget, let go and move on. Thank you for the sign I received from above because that love for Jay faded and totally disappeared.

       You know me what hurts the most? The real thing is, our old days were just a fantasy of mine. Illusions. Our old days were the circumstances when I dreamed being with him while sleeping at night and before waking up early in t morning. Simply, nightmares. Except that I loved him. Before.

Those old day incidents were just only fragments of my dreams. Only in my dreams, really. You may wonder too. What about the letter? The letter was written on my diary. No letter given to him. All left on my precious diary which also holds my old days’ vision. No wonder.

       Sometimes we have to accept that a nightmare is just a nightmare. The only thing I knew and stocked on this stupid head, “I don’t want to feel. It hurts too much.” But then, I realized, if I don’t feel it.. Won’t I be able to let him go and set him free? Because I did it already. Now, I am happy. My head is not stupid anymore. Chuckle.

        At last, glad to be fully awake! I am such a wishful thinker. Sigh.