To my dearest,
Familiarity—that was the first word
that popped in my mind when I think about you. The feeling of knowing you way
before we even wet, it was there. I cannot explain it either. I, myself was
very confused. Love—such a simple word yet its simplicity complicates the
meaning behind that four-letter word.
When we were elementary, we were just
the kids that kept roaming around. We went to school for the purpose of studying
but more of experiencing this life. Day by day, we grow and started knowing
things that once we never cared about. We were taught of what love is in the
four corners of our classroom, in our own houses and even in the activities
that our teachers told us to do. Yet, we were just “young and free” back then.
We heard the words “crush, first love, love team, love triangles’’ to the point
of believing that we felt “jealous” and the rumors spreading on our grade
level. Those years were full of fun.
In high school, we learned to set ourselves away from being
that kiddo. Our academic mentors prepared us how life should be live by
mentoring us in ways they knew best. And I, on the other hand, was able to
forget and set aside those young romances we taught were real. However, part of
me kept remembering what our past was. A past you were a part of. I maybe
having self-distraction or hallucination by the time that I realized that the
feeling once I have held on to you was a ‘long-timed’. I even used to call you
my ever long-timed crush. I was not desperate to meet you again for I believed
that the destiny meant to keep us apart for a reason I do not know and until
now cannot figure out. It just happened that for the first time we have a
communication (after almost four long years). I’ve got your number without
knowing that was your number. Do you still remember when I first texted you? I
never expected you to be that one. I thought you were joking when you replied
to me ‘your name’. Then, it occurred to me that may be this was a sign from
above, a chance to get along and know each other more. You may be confused and
wondering right now what I am talking about. I guess, you never noticed that I
was attracted to you for so long. Please keep highlighting the phrase ‘for so
long’. From 3rd grade, if I am not mistaken, until we graduated. *Sigh.
Yeah, I know, I was that pathetic. So, I guess I have broken a record on you!
Here I was, your one and only “long-timed crush”. Confirmed.
In fact, it
was a very timely moment (for me). There was no way that was a ‘coincident’ but
a ‘God-incident’ instance. I thought that night; God is giving me an
opportunity. To get to know you? I
wonder. I must have been in luck. Nevertheless, it was quite amusing how we
caught up with each other’s story. We clicked instantly.
From that day forward, I felt
happiness but along with it was the fear. Fear that I was the only one feeling
intimately attached to you. Fear of being the only one feeling this way and you
otherwise—rejection. Because of that fear, we remained like that—in that
friend-foe relationship. There were times we communicated okay and had moments
of being loved. But more of our times we fought, misunderstood each other’s
idea, and counterattacked each other’s words. We were usually like that, and I
hated it, every single time. Yet, I treasured them all because that’s all I’ve
got, with you. The fact that you have a girlfriend didn’t bother me at all
because what else could we be but friends, right? And, it was good.
In contrary,
you have no idea how far that friendship went. You would regard it as it is but
it was more than that to me. I went overboard with my feelings which was really
bad. You might not know but I have cried because of you. I never wanted crying
but the tears just kept on falling. I am not exaggerating for telling you all
of these things right now. Admit it or not, you did hurt me, many times.
Almost three
years have gone (because we’re college students now), we ended the only thing
that kept us together and closer—our little communication. Through all those
years, I have matured enough to wash away all the bad memories or I can say
conversations we had. Things have changed. We have changed. I spent most of my
hours studying, refocused my attention away from you. We both have our own
lives now. I don’t know what happened to you all those days but something always
brings me back to you.
With all
honesty, I regret some of the things I have said to you. I’m just a human being
capable of making mistakes and doing sins, we all are. Now, we finally got
everything alright. We have cleared our misunderstandings though it was a once
and for all chance to get to talk to you. If only I cannot feel anything, it
would be better to be numb. And yet, our situation was not supposed to be like
this either! I cannot accept the fact that you can say those exaggerated and
over-the-line words to me. They were too hurtful I didn’t manage to take them
all. I cannot consider them either as ‘your reasons’ that you were hurt too.
You could have explained what you think to avoid confusion between us.
Besides, you
cannot blame it all to me. Your attitude of giving back to me the flaws, that
was unfair. In spite of everything, I understand you. Didn’t I? I said nothing
when I should have defended myself. Above all, I chose to be silent. For our
sake. But still WHY? You never considered my position. Have you even cared? In
any way, it doesn’t matter now.
For
everything, I thank you! We’ve been through a lot and I know, it’s been hard
for you too to endure such a person like me. For the patience whenever I
contradict what you says, sorry but thank you. Thank you for the friendship and
I hope to continue knowing more who you are. I sincerely do. Let’s just give it
a try? Will you? Meanwhile, I also want to thank you for not hating me. I am
really looking forward to personally talk to you someday. Let’s keep in touch,
okay? And build some memories together when God permits! May God bless you even
more. My prayers go with you always. My hope is that we have forgiven each
other now without leaving any scar, pain and hatred. I don’t ask you or intend
you to forget what we went through. For me, it will serve as a challenge we
have surpassed and a memory that I could look back whenever I want to.
Always remember that whatever
happens, I will always be your unique-and-weird friend who makes fun of you but
always ready to comfort you anytime. Don’t you dare hesitate to approach me
when you need help. In such a good way, every experience brought me a
significant lesson. And I mean to say this. The hard times have really
motivated me to do better next time, not only seeing myself into the situation
but seeing myself with my partner. Stay still because you will always be my
first love (but please, don’t take it for granted, it’s not a good thing). And I
don’t like being taken for granted. No one would.
Finally, we have both agreed: “There
was never officially an us.” On the bright side, our friendship will always be
a reminder of us. Us who once met, parted ways and unexpectedly met again.
Yours Truly,
Lorie Mae
Lorie Mae
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